I can't believe I'm 30...

Wow — welcome back! If you’ve been here before… Thank you! It’s been a hell of a ride….

I haven’t been active on my blog because my website has been down for so long… I thought I would be making the switch to Shopify, but it was more difficult to learn a new system and design it the way I wanted to than to just keep going on Squarespace — but that’s besides the point!!! If you’re new here, welcome <3 :) it’s so lovely to have you. My name is Tai’Leah (pronounced Tie-Lay-Uh if you aren’t already familiar with me). I’ve been an Artist and a Creative for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, it was so hard for me to decide who and what I wanted to be and do for the rest of my Life. All I remember was being attracted to A LOT of things, waaaaay too many things to decide on at the time. I knew my Life wasn’t going to be easy as early as 4 years old. I went through a lot of childhood trauma that led me to create and be attracted to Art & Media in the first place. That’s just the tip of the iceberg truly — I hope you’ve scoured through my previous blogs, where I’ve shared a lot of my story post-trauma and currently on a forever healing journey with the Self. If you haven’t had a chance, take a second to check them out here.

It’s been a hell of a journey (again) to say the least. And honestly… I STILL DON’T KNOW ALL OF WHO I WANT TO BE — but it’s more about Learning, Knowing and Leaning into, who I know I am meant to be on this (sometimes God forsaken but hella beautiful experience called) Earth. I freaking turned 30 this week. Yea, 30. To some, that may seem young and to others, it may seem a little “old” but in these 30 years, I have learned (more than I anticipated) lifetimes of Lessons. I’mma say this again for the third time because somehow, it’s soothing to my soul to admit, how CHALLENGING the path I’ve chosen is — and I do mean it comes with it’s current and present choices, but more than that it’s something that I know I’ve chosen way before I came to this Earth. It, at times, feels more like someone chose it for me; but the more I go along my life and despite all of it’s challenges, I would be and do nothing more than to be who I am at this stage of my life — Full of (difficult) Lessons, Knowledge, Wisdom and a lotta Heart. Those things have and still get me through most of my Life and I hope I have way more to Live, even though sometimes it seems like the world is to Ghetto for Light Beings and Angels in the Flesh like you and me… Yes…. that’s right, you are too!! What (or Who) do you think led you here in the first place?!

It’s hard out here for people like you and me. Life really truly tries to get the best of you at times. It’s not easy to turn the other cheek, keep smiling and laughing through the pain, leaving folks where they belong, and accepting every ebb & flow of Life that does and does not go your way depending on any given day. Especially through more challenging aspects of our Life, like something traumatic, or a trigger, or just hitting a new age and even decade of our Lives. It’s so important for us to have the Knowledge and all the Tools to get us through — that’s a lot of what our businesses currently do. We not only provide Products and Services to help folks feel and be more creative, inspired and healed, we show you how we do it on an everyday basis and provide you with more simplistic, practical and custom made tools to help us manage every up and every down.

But enough about our business baby, this Virgo season has been one for the books. I don’t really mean that in a magical rainbows kind of way, I mean this Saturn Return is kicking my ass and not only that, I’m expecting my period as I’m writing this and it’s been extra hard for me to deal with what Life is presently throwing at Me. If you all knew my story, and if we all knew each other’s stories, I’m sure we’d be in deep agreement about how unfair Life is sometimes, and I mean REALLY unfair for some of us that have experienced the most excruciating of painful moments. I’m sending us so much Love and holding us all up in prayer; because I’m sure we could all use it. Running a business and continuing to choose to being and becoming a multifaceted creator on top of choosing to live in one of the most expensive cities in the entire country is probably one of the most painful experiences I choose on a daily. Just from the smallest of obstacles to the bigger and greater feats, it’s not something I quickly recommend anymore. Especially if you’re someone who deals with Mental/Emotional or Familial issues often. I used to be so “reckless” and fearless in a way. I used to be stubborn (and still am… got it REAL BAD) in the best of ways — if someone was determined to tell me I couldn’t do something. I was determined to get it done, do it well and do beyond and abundantly more than what was required of me. That energy seems way more fleeting as I grow and as I continue on along my Journey. After a while, I start taking it personally that some folks (and some whom you assume have deep love for you) do not want to see you win. And maybe it truly is less about not wanting to see me or us win, maybe it’s more about wanting to see themselves win, and not being able to makes you a salty, rude and resentful person. Resentment kills. It does more damage than you’ll ever know. It’s not for us to judge, I’ve learned; Neither is it for us to become resentful ourselves because of their misery & suffering. It is meant for us to Rise above it — as Michelle Obama would say, “If they go Low, we go High.” And as Tabitha Brown would say, “I wish Love will Find them.” Lacking in Love can make us ugly people. All I know is, no matter what Life throws at Me, I’m stubborn enough to keep going AND not become one of those lil uglies (Sorry, sot Sorry. But I pray Love will find you and show you Beauty again.) ((I guess I am still a little resentful; but that’s what this is for — to show ya’ll that 1. Ya girl ain’t nowhere near perfect, 2. We’re all learning and still learning and never gon’ be done learning (unless you choose that), and 3. The best attitude is one of Love; it gets us further than Hate will ever get to us. Follow back up with me in about 10 years when I figure out how to Love Racists, Mysoginists and straight up Supremacists that try to continue harmful agendas and cycles instead of trying to heal them.

I was going to have some type of structure to this post and I guess I’m saying all of this to say that, if you’re under 30, know that turning 30 doesn’t mean you’ll automatically start becoming more wise, more intelligent and/or a more healed version of yourself. Usually, it’s adversity that births Intelligence, Healing and Prosperity. (Thanks Universe; and thanks Self for choosing theeeee absolute most challenging virtues to undertake in this realm). Sadly, I know, that the worst of times can either bring out the very best in you, or it will bring out the absolute worst. I’m not saying either one is better than the other; because in a way, I’ve learned how valuable it is to have a balanced demeanor. Typically, being or appearing too soft and gentle, give us the experience of maybe encountering getting “stomped all over” either physically, mentally, energetically or all of the above. And being or appearing too much on the opposite side of the spectrum is not the best choice either; you could tend to push folks away too far or just feel energetically heavy, unhappy or dissatisfied in someway. If you’re over 30, and you’re reading this, know that my experience of sharing all that I’ve learned, has nothing to do with “knowing everything” or being and appearing perfect. I do know what I know, but I also know I’m a climate for learning more and I’m always willing to learn more and more and more. I’m in no way saying, I want less challenges, (even though I lowkey am). I’m really just saying that I myself, want to be strong enough and wise enough to see challenges miles away, and being so deeply in love and knowledgeable about myself, that I do everything in my power to prepare for any challenge that may come my way. Right now, I’m seeing a lot of external challenges that are coming through others and their energy. I’m a very empathic person; I take on a lot of energies naturally, and I want to be able to see things as they are, not for how I want them to be. I want to guard myself energetically through healthier means, and I want to be able to not carry resentment with me as I grow learn and achieve. It’s been a worthwhile journey, but I can’t lie, folks “getting in my way” is kinda getting old. But again, I know I have so much to learn when it comes to providing others with Grace when they themselves don’t see how their getting in “my way” and in the way of themselves achieving their own goals. I still struggle deeply with the fact that, people’s opinions of me get to me and vengeful feelings of being a scapegoat to others’ insecurities still get me down. I know I still am that stubborn person who doesn’t give two fucks. But I am also that person who cares deeply about being misunderstood, and boy, have I been misunderstood MY ENTIRE LIFE. It hurts to be thought of someone other than a genuine human who just tries her best and minds her business. But hopefully — it’ll get easier… I pray… it get easier.

It’s important to go your own pace and to also TRUST the pace of Life if you feel out of Alignment. One of the best tools that have been helping me lately has been praying and has been writing. Prayer is the solution for everything in my opinion, but how fast it works is not always consistent. I think it depends on how connected I’m feeling spiritually; but other than that, it’s not always literal. I could pray for one thing and the opposite could come, just so I can work on the hidden patterns that keep me from my prayers. It’s not about having a genie in a bottle, it’s moreso about knowing that God and the Universe; the Forces of Nature are always going to give you what you NEED. Sometimes that’s the answer to your prayers, and others, it’s the lack thereof to work on our Faith and our connection to Spirit. When it comes to Journaling, sometimes, ya gurl does just need to VENT. But I’m always doing my best to refocus and direct my energy when I’m writing so that it’s productive. If you can, start with a Daily Gratitude Journal. It could just appear as a list or it could be the creation of dialogue with you and Spirit. This definitely allows me to create a safe space to be honest with my Creator and just pour out my Soul to the Divine, even though they know exactly what I’m going to say before I say it. It’s been a blessing coexisting, but I don't think I would have done very well if I did not have this connection with Our Source. I believe I am a Spiritual Being first and foremost. Not only is it a struggle reconditioning unhealthy patterns, it’s a huge difficulty just being a Black (Queer and Gifted) person in general. Sometimes our gifts come out as being more sensitive to the occurrences of Life. I just hope and pray — this shit gets easier. Lord, please let this get easier.

For my 30th year, and even on my 29th year, I had so many plans. Needless to say things did not go the way I planned or anticipated at all. I love creating new ideas and I just love Life in general, I don’t always need a reason to celebrate. But this one felt like something I needed to document in a huge way. Again, ya gurl has yet to do that haha. But I anticipate celebrating Life more, again, without needing the milestone. It’s slightly funny what God does with our plans. I can’t lie, I wasn’t all the way satisfied; but I am satisfied by getting all the things I needed on this 30th rotation and day of birth. I got the Lifetime of Wisdom I was taking about. I guarantee older folks who don’t even wish for this kind of Learning haven’t Learned half of the things I’ve decided to learn just based of choice alone. I’m grateful to say the least. Always have. I’m eager to tell all the. nitty gritty and dirty details at some point in my Life, for now I will leave you with all of the above, and adding on this:

Doing everything we’re afraid of, is the best thing we can probably do for ourselves. Leaving our comfort zones is one of the most valuable experiences we can ever choose to embark on, no matter what our age is. The age is a number but the cultivation of our spiritual life is priceless, unmatched and unexplainable. I still have much much much much much much much to learn. I’m excited for what the future holds for (still) youthful Tai’Leah, even though she sometimes feels as ancient and old as a dinosaur.

Is there anything that you learned from reading this post? Leave your thoughts in the comments below and I will make sure to respond to them! If you have any questions, you know where to find me on socials, but if you’d like to send me a private message I’m open to that too. If you’d like to remain anonymous, you may share your thoughts in the comments or through a private account.

Take care everyone and have a blissful and blessed rest of your Virgo season.

— xoxo soulfulayuh