THIS BLACK WOMAN IS... Overcoming Disillusionment (Post Election Thoughts)

whewww chile. when I say wheww chile I MEAN whewww CHILEEEEe.

Today is 2 weeks and 2 days after Election Day. And what a turn of events this has been. You know I just want to start off by saying, it has been the weirdesttt yearrrr everr. The most disgusting — vile, heinous even…

I don’t remember having ill feelings about a year before other than 2016. For some weird reason, it was also shitty. But let’s not forget the toilet of all years, 2020. Is there a rule that says we gotta fuck shit up every 4 years or is that just a coincidence? Seriously though, I had been preparing and wholly unprepared for this election. Honestly. I can’t even describe my emotions very well. But I’m seeing and I did see how, this election allowed me to take a very honest look at myself.

I turned 30 this year, and while it seems to be a huge milestone. I was less than impressed. I wanted my 30th birthday to be outrageous — of course!! — why not?! I mean, I’m single!! And.. well it was nothing of the sort. I was and still am very grateful for every single occurrence; whether it has a positive or negative stigma attached. I can’t lie, there’s that part of me that says, there were A LOT of negatives, dayyum. But through them, were some of the brightest positives I had ever felt in my life. I wondered though — did this election have anything to do with me? And I don’t just mean my involvement. I mean was there a little Kamala Harris or a Donald Trump in me? Somewhat unprepared for a big upgrade in life but also someone who had a lot of experience perhaps lying to themselves or just living in a grand delusion of our own choosing. I exercised a lot of thought when it came to my own goals and whether or not I was worthy of receiving them. Worthy being — Prepared, Practiced & Patient.

I had always imagined receiving accolades such as Forbes 30 Under 30, and other notable trophies or awards that had to do with the fact that I’m a really smart youngin’. Frankly — the Universe showed me time after time that there was something to be perfected and adjusted within me to be able to receive the desires of my heart but at the same time that it was I who held the key to my dreams, and I knew I could open the door at any time I wanted.. Yes, discipline was a requirement, but not just in my work practice. I had to be strong; Emotionally strong to be able to withstand the lifestyle and the culture that has been calling out to me for so long. A life in a bigger spotlight than I already was (am), is terrifying, to say the least. I hate not having control over how I’m seen, perceived and understood. It’s a huge trigger of mine to be disliked, to be judged (wrongly) and to be summarized by folks who fail to see me for whom I truly am. The attachment that I had (and have) to the fear of other’s perceptions is what keeps me small. The fear of being seen, Perfectionism, Impostor Syndrome and many other labels for fear is what keeps me from the life I was asking for. And the fact that I had been telling myself I was a person who would overcome all obstacles, overachieve, and over exceed every expectation, but yet, I was not overcoming ALL of my major fears when it came to my career. All this time I was wondering what I was doing wrong, and to be 100% honest, it was that, I was not practiced enough socially in the areas of my career and I was still living in fear when it came to a lot of my dreams and aspirations. I thought I wanted to be seen as someone with many accomplishments when, this year showed me the most that I was someone who was to be seen for the many talents, skills and gifts that I had to offer. But I was not going to do that successfully if I was always constantly comparing myself to my competitors, in a self fulfilling loop of staying where I was because I was comfortable being in the house not networking much, just working and that’s it. The reality is — is that I could have made overcoming my fears my greatest accomplishment instead of looking for someone to see me for who I know I am. More realistically, I struggled like anyone else. Thankfully, I always remain(ed) hopeful and optimistic. I didn’t see, at first, how I could be and do better. I did see some bad habits of mine, most I felt in control of. What I did not see was that I was trying to overcome so many external obstacles when I could have focused more internally and may have been a lot more successful sooner.

I didn’t achieve my goals because it was actually harder than I thought for me to grow up. I experienced so much trauma that I don’t give myself a lot of room to be messy and imperfect. Instead, I strived for perfection so that it ensured that I will be okay, and by okay, I really meant stable; an overall responsible person; again, knowing that no matter what I would persevere. Looking at the bigger picture, I did better than most. But I still wasn’t reaching my own standard. I began to wonder if that standard was even healthy or, if I was fooling myself by giving myself TOO much patience and gentleness from growing from my traumas. It was a double edged sword — in my head — to be so willing to change that you change everything about yourself to make sure you succeed; and you also notice what your imperfections are, which aren’t all that bad but those wounds still show up in life simply because, I’m not where I want to be in Life at 30 years old. You begin to realize you somewhat had control over that and that led to me unpacking that I was my biggest saboteur. I was trying so hard to make sure I wouldn’t f*ck up my life in any major way and when I did, I would label myself as abnormal, bad or just downright incapable,

If I had everything my way, my life would be perfect. Perfect in my way meaning, just having a well balanced life. Starting with and including, the ability to afford my lifestyle and pay my bills on time with the money that comes from creating and doing what I love. I felt and still feel sometimes, so unworthy of that life. In my head, there’s a goal I must attain and it’s a goal I would risk it all for. It’s my dream. The problem with this is. I haven’t been realizing all the time I have been living the dream already. Just because there’s still more bills to pay, doesn’t mean that I’m not still living the life I’ve always asked for. If I’m looking at it correctly, I would keep telling myself that I have all the time in the world and all the opportunities I need to create. Maybe it was my mind that was telling me the whole time that I was doing the wrong thing or something wrong. I started spending more time asking, “What if I’m right where I’m meant to be?” and “What if everything is exactly what it needs to be.” It was hard living in that truth and state of reality the morning of November 6th 2024, when the news outlets were announcing Trump’s victory. In my spirit, I know it is the choice for a majority of us to live in our comfort zones. It is the choice to be TOO patient and gentle when, deep down in side, we know we are capable of more and we know in the end we will be okay.

The weight of the world’s grief laid on my shoulders for the next week and a half or so. And with the New Moon’s energy winding down for a speedy Full Moon energy restart, slowly but surely the true illusions came down. I began to ponder the term “disillusionment”. I had heard it a time or two earlier this year and it is a term that has sat on my spirit for a long moment. I thought I had developed a habit of self prophesying disillusionment — I could never be happy for long because soon after something really good happens it would be something devastating that comes soon after. I would self sabotage mentally with thoughts of disappointment even before the good thing happens. I think we all are guilty of feeling that way when it came to this election regardless of who you voted for. The collective energy is tired. We’re dissatisfied to say the least. Some of us thought there would be a first to celebrate and others thought, with their biases, they would be saved from the inevitable truth. We began to realize what and who this system truly serves. And whether or not we want to continue allowing the external tell our internal knowing that the bad just keeps on getting worse. That good, never prevails. My pondering led me to realization — that without the light touching our wounds, our imperfections, our many flaws, the roots would not get better and we would not the ability to heal from our mistakes; our adversities. We also wouldn’t be human.

Humans aren’t perfect. We have egos and we own a spirit. It all depends on the balance we choose to maintain. There is plenty of evidence that proves that ego keeps us small — comfortable. And experience makes us wise and expansive. Experience is sometimes unknown, which is why we choose the same or similar trauma cycles. As a nation, we collectively proven we are stuck in a trauma cycle. I knew and also accepted my own trauma cycles. And the disillusionment that followed when I realized I needed to be more patient with myself, my country and my fellow citizens who, too, unknowingly and willingly, choose a trauma cycle over and over and over and over again. I felt for Kamala, when she realized she would have to go back to the drawing board, with different techniques. That anyone, who was willing and choosing to embark on the difficult journey towards healing, would then have to retreat for a time, then wield the shield once again.

What is the point I’m trying to make? Well — these Lessons taught me all about Love. I’m still deciding what I want to believe about how close in “proximity to the other side” we’re allowed to be. And doing my best to witness, observe and not (hatefully) cause and maintain separation between parties. While also having intellectual, heart to heart conversations about beliefs (Thank You). Love, is all about coexisting. Love, is Patience. If we’re going to be on this giant floating rock together, we gotta know that, the future is inevitable. The Universe demands balance. If we continue to ride against the current of our consciousness, this is where we lose hope for the future. Thankfully, enough of us are riding the wave. Let’s get with it, and Grow. It’s important to go your own pace, yes. Just try to feel and own the current, rather than get lost in it. I pray we see growth and change throughout this next season. I pay we increase in Union and in Elevation, for our good and the good of all involved. I pray we realize that sometimes, what FEELS good, is not always good for us or good for everyone involved. Sometimes what FEELS bad, can ultimately lead to our good and the good of all involved — though, this can get tricky.

And I pray I do the same. Sometimes, it feels so much easier said than done. Sometimes the things you think you’re right about, you’re not. And vice versa, sometimes you’re right about something you think you’re wrong about. I try to keep in mind that Failure is good. And that it’s okay to make a mistake. That experience is our best teacher and we would be nowhere without learning a little something along the way. Right now — what feels wrong for me is right in my life. Just because of where I am and how I’m healing. (It’s not always that way and I’m learning everyday how and when I’m needing to change) It’s okay to do things differently if I know in my adulthood, it is what’s right for me right now at this moment. A lot of the times. my inner child is so uncomfortable with the new, because it is so unfamiliar. But I always do my best to reassure myself that no matter what, we will be okay. I think it’s good to know who needs a little bit more help than the others. I believe we all have a responsibility to ask ourselves why we have a bias and what ultimately feeds our biases. I think we can also have healthy opinions about who should run our country. I hope and pray we are blessed with a figure who is an example of compassion, empathy, healthy boundaries and groundedness with maturity. I would love to see a woman as president in my lifetime. But I also know that we have to be ready for that as a nation and a lot of us are not ready for that at all. I will do my best to pray for our collective that we see with clarity what is right for us as a whole, it might be new or uncomfortable but that change is good and we will see bliss and beauty on the other side of things.

You know how it’s now GOOD for Kendrick Lamar to be in his villain era? Balance is key. LOL. Our ego can make it seem like things are Bad when they are very GOOD for ALL involved. When we keep this in mind, we can flex and adapt while still standing tall. Collectively, we’re all nearly ready for our next level up. So, ask yourself, where are you now and how are we feeling individually on our journey? Are we feeling the nudge at a level up from the Universe or from Spirit? Does it seem like it wants you to be “bad” but it could be really a good thing for the community? Talk to me in the comments or shoot me a message to share where your head is at. I’ll be having this conversation in my Instagram Stories as well, so please, join me there.

*WHEN WE TALK ABOUT DOING BAD THINGS: I’m not at all talking about doing something harmful that is considered bad. It’s not considered bad if it’s just BAD, lol. What I mean by “bad” might mean something like taking an ode of silence with a family member or boycotting a certain brand because they’re ultimately aiding in activities that are bad for your community, or something like quitting your job without early notice and investing in yourself and your dreams full time; taking your kids out of a school that supports and donates towards social deliberate destruction of a nation; stop going to that church that forces you to vote Republican or Democrat or any party that doesn’t align with you and your core being. Whatever the Universe nudges us to is good. If it IS bad, don’t do the thing. If it FEELS bad because your anxiety is not used to practicing, then this is something that the Universe may be leading you towards.

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